First Impressions: Umamusume

Why.

No, seriously, why. If you want to make an anime about racing girls, why not just make it about a track team? I guess points given for not wanting to go the generic route, but more points taken off by going for the obvious fetish material instead.

I guess as far as anime-as-fuck premises go, this one is harmless enough, so I should give it a fair chance. That’s the whole point of watching all the premiers after all. And Keijo!!!!!!!! turned out to be absolutely delightful, so a premise that obviously panders to the lowest common denominator of anime fandom doesn’t make something automatically bad. I guess I should stop grumbling and just watch the stupid episode.

umamusume.jpg
anime was a mistake

Race horses are stallions. I know if I start nitpicking every absurd element about this premise we’ll be here all day, but I really don’t want to watch this and don’t have a legitimate excuse not to so I’m going to drag it out by complaining because I’m five.

 

There’s a little extra girl who sounds like a grown-ass woman. Like seriously, lady, I know you only have three lines and this is shlock, but you could’ve tried a little harder. Treating your bit roles like they’re main roles is how you get main roles, y’know.

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wasting food is a sin! and on this! the holiest of sundays!

I joke, but her dropping the food really isn’t funny. Wasting food is something I take seriously, especially when we just saw her buy that food with money. Little girl better pick that shit up. Five second rule.

I don’t know if they were intending for it to look like she was wearing a hachimaki in wide shots when they decided to make her braids white, but the white braids make it look like she’s wearing a hachimaki in wide shots. It’s not out of character for a genki girl who will probably have the primary character traits of “cheerful” and “works hard” to wear one, but I don’t think they’re generally considered “cute” so it’s a bit out of place.

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1. she doesn’t have forelegs; 2. if you’re going to treat her like a literal horse, don’t walk up behind her, cause that’s how you get kicked in the fukken head and killed to death by literal horses; 3. you’re a creep; 4. i hate this

Credit where credit is due, huge props to this episode for not having her apologize to the guy who just touched her without warning or consent. It doesn’t get full props because the creep sticks around and doesn’t apologize to her, either, but even so.

Oh god it’s an idol anime. Godammit, I didn’t have to watch this. Make your summaries clearer, Crunchyroll.

The pink haired one’s voice makes my ears bleed.

Slight bonus points for not having the American one be blonde, though the really thick accent is annoying.

Why don’t there seem to be any horse women? Do the horse girls get put down once they can’t race anymore? Do they get shuffled away out of sight and forced to breed until they die? Or will their tails and horse ears eventually fall off, and grow human ears later in life? Why is this episode only half done? Is it because I keep pausing it to complain? Or is it just dragging because this episode is 80% character introductions and exposition and that’s boring?

Why does the pink haired one shout all her lines? Does this anime have the same voice director as Black Clover? Who keeps giving that guy work?

Aww, I thought one of the horses was named Ninja Brian. Stupid name tags need to either stick around long enough for me to read them, or just not be bothered with because I don’t care and I’m not going to remember that many names, anyway.

This episode isn’t as bad as it could have been. It’s not an ecchi series, they don’t do the stupid anime girl run, and they are clearly familiar with the concept of a sports bra. The main girl randomly got lip gloss for a single shot which was weird, but that’s about it. However, it might’ve been better if it was bad. As it is, it’s just boring and I hate it and I’m not watching the second episode that also dropped today.

[ko-fi]

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