Ranking Hades Olympians: Because That Never Ended Badly For Anyone

Author’s Note: To any Greek Deities who may or may not be reading this: This is all meant in fun. Please don’t smite me.

#1: Artemis: Pretty chill loner who’s just trying to help her new cousin. Offered to go hunting with him. Boons mostly apply to critical damage, but there are a couple that shoot the baddies for us.

15/10 would totally hang out in the woods with her and her nymph girlfriend.

1) Dionysus: Chill Frat Bro-type, but the good kind. Boons poison enemies or slow them down, or increase Zag’s defense.

12/10 would have a drink with.

1:Aphrodite: Insincere Flirty Aunt, super charming, but has unfortunate tendency towards nudity. Boons raise Zag’s defense, lower enemy damage, or lower enemy defense.

12/10 please put on some clothes though

1. Hermes: Nyoooooooom. Boons affect speed, dash, recovery, or give Zag money.

12/10 would not challenge to a race.

1/Athena: Gets the ball rolling on the whole escape thing, like a too-serious aunt who needs a vacation and totally loves her family. Boons provide added defense and deflection.

12/10 maybe just let me appreciate you though

1~Poseidon: Beach Bro Uncle. Boons increase damage and ways to inflict damage, or give treasure (including sandwiches. Mmmmm, sandwiches)

12/10 He gives you a legendary boon that lets you fish more.

2:Ares: Stereotypical soldier in love with Violence. Boons increase damage or provide damage over time.

12/10 Maybe get some therapy though

2) Demeter: Calls Zag ‘little sprout,’ uses her grief as an excuse to kill thousands. Boons slow enemies, apply damage over time, or heal Zag.

12/10 definitely get some therapy though.

-10: Zeus: Asshole. Thinks he’s King Shit. Is literally King Shit. Everything is his fault. No really. (Not really.) Boons apply damage to multiple enemies, or make enemies hurt themselves when they try to hurt Zag.

0/10 Thanks for the help, you arrogant narcissistic prick.

This is entirely subjective, and as such should be taken with a mountain of salt. I’m totally right though.

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