A Disney Cold (and slightly silly) Take

So you know how the Disney Princesses have superpowers? Yeah, that’s it, that’s the article.

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Oh, you’re still here. I guess you want me to explain. I mean, it’s not like it’s never been mentioned before, but, yeah, the Disney Princesses definitely have superpowers. And I’m not talking about the obvious ones, like Elsa’s ice magic (yes, I know she’s a queen, shush).

Your magic’s still very pretty, though.

Nearly every one of the early Disney Princesses have some level of animal manipulation. Snow White convinces a forest full of naturally timid, wild animals to help her. Cinderella grants mice increased intelligence by giving them clothes. Jasmine was able to tame a tiger to the point that literally no one in that palace had concerns about their sultan’s only child hanging out alone with an apex predator!

This is not natural mouse behavior.

Any time a Princess sings, she’s able to manipulate the world around her, even if it’s just to sing along. Every Princess has an almost absurd amount of luck. (One should never underestimate the power of coincidence).

That’s some excellent illusion magic, Miss Tiana.

Snow White’s inherent beauty is such that she’s able to manipulate those around her. Moana can communicate with the ocean effectively. Rapunzel manages to wack people with a cast iron pan and not cause any significant damage! And those things are stupid heavy!

Excuse me, miss, that’s a deadly weapon. Be careful with that thing.

(Yes, I know, most of this can be explained by movie magic and kid’s movie logic, but there’s this thing called fun. Maybe try it some time.)

In conclusion, Disney has been making superhero movies long before they acquired Marvel, and that’s just something we’re going to have to learn to live with. Sadly, I don’t thing Disney’s going to stop being a hell monopoly anytime soon.

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