How Not to Break Up, as Exemplified by Warner Huntington III

Please note before we begin, that this is from the perspective of someone who’s never actually had to end a proper relationship before.

Legally Blonde is a good movie. Warner Huntington III is a terrible person who didn’t deserve either of the women he miraculously managed to date. Don’t believe me? Just look at the way he decided to end his long term relationship with Elle. 

He does a lot of things wrong in his treatment of Elle, but time is limited so we’re gonna go ahead and highlight the top three things, and y’all can have fun adding things on in the comments, ok? Ok. Here we go!

Number 3 of Terrible Break Up Advice: He asked her out to a fancy, romantic restaurant. While I don’t for one minute think he’s intelligent enough to intentionally manipulate or trick Elle, and I will concede that doing it somewhere public was probably a good idea, his choice of location was… lacking. Asking her to a fancy restaurant implies that not only is the occasion a date, it’s a very special date, with a high chance of a marriage proposal – the exact opposite of his actual intentions. 

Seriously, Warner? This just screams marriage proposal.’

Might I suggest instead: a cafe, or public park, especially during the day, allows the feeling of safety, the illusion of privacy, and, most importantly, lessens the chance of any hope-raising misunderstandings. 

Number Two of Terrible Break Up Advice: Beat around the bush. Warner manages to completely avoid the Very Serious Grown Up Discussion he’s supposed to be there for, while continuing to imply that he’s going to propose. I understand being nervous, but drawing things out will often make things worse, not better. 

Terrible start, my good bitch, since you’ve decided you don’t want one.

Be compassionate, yes, but be direct. 

Terrible Break Up Advice Number One: Continue to engage in couple behavior, especially after you’ve already broken up. Kisses and pet names were removed from the table the moment you decided to end the relationship.

Warner.

I was going to mention not invalidating your now ex-partner’s emotional reaction, but surprisingly, Warner doesn’t actually do that. Yes, he’s clearly annoyed and uncomfortable, but he never actually tries to stop her. Which, you know. Not as big a jerk as he could have been.

In conclusion, Legally Blonde is great, and Warner is a douche canoe. Don’t be a Warner.

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